The Three Bears - Unplugged

When I was a little boy, my dad was busy working three jobs to support his family. He worked as a fireman, on his days off he would repair boats down by the riverside and in the evenings, he would deliver home fuel.

It was hard for me, my brother and sister to understand why he worked all these jobs. Was it because he loved us so much, or because he didn't want to hear our mother complain about how my sister smacked my brother across the back of the head with a shovel? Whichever it was, it was always a treat to have Dad home on one of those infrequent evenings off and come into our rooms to check on us at bedtime.

I can still remember the crack of light from the hallway as Dad would open the door to our room. We would pretend we were asleep, but we could tell it was him from the mixed smell of smoke, heating oil and seaweed.

One of us would always stir and say, "Hi, Dad" as he tried to sneak out unobserved. He would whisper for us to go back to sleep, but the damage had been done and we would sit up in bed and ask him to tell us a bedtime story. By then, our sister had joined us.

Now, Dad was what we call, by today's standards, as a "manly-man." Today, he would probably be a contestant on "American Gladiators", or be the headliner at a monster car rally. So, he wasn't very well versed in the art of bedtime stories, which was fine with us, because he would make up his own. He would ask us which one we would like to hear and we'd say something like, "The Three Bears" and this is the story he would tell:

"Once upon a time," he'd start, "there were three bears. A momma bear, a poppa bear and a baby bear. They lived in a modern, modest three bedroom cave just under the El. Yes, they were the Chicago Bears. One night, Momma Bear was cooking up a pot of fettuccini." (Dad would provide the sound effects with his stories. Like here, he would make a bubbling noise.) "Poppa Bear," Dad continued, "said, 'this stuff is too hot. Let's go down to the projects, while this is cooling, and annoy some tourists.' So, they hopped into their car, a Stutz Bearcat, and headed out." (Sound effect of an old car cranking up and pulling away)

"While they were out, a cute little golden-haired angel, played by Priscilla Lane, appeared at their front door. She knocked." (Knocking noises) "When no one answered, she went in. She walked past the fettuccini and headed to the liquor cabinet, where she made herself a Harvey Wallbanger." (Ice cube clinking in a glass and liquid being poured) "She became extremely tired and headed upstairs to the bedroom. She skipped the preliminaries and fell asleep in Baby Bear's bed."

"Meanwhile, the Bear family came home." (Dad would make the sound of tires screeching and the car crashing.) "Momma Bear was driving. They went into the cave and Poppa Bear noticed immediately that someone had hit his liquor cabinet and he began to cry. Poppa Bear was very sensitive about his booze."

"Baby Bear stood at the top of the stairs and yelled down, 'Hey, Pop, there's a cute looking chic in my bed. Is possession still nine points of the law?'

"With that, Goldilocks woke up and screamed." (Scream - like I had to tell you.) "She had never seen a little bear with a grin like that on his face before. Quickly, she jumped up and dove through the window." (Glass crashing)

"The Three Bears chased her through the woods. Okay, so there are no woods in Chicago, this is where your imaginations are going to have to come in."

"Goldilocks came upon a hunter who had just stopped the big, bad wolf from eating Little Red Riding Hood. Goldilocks yelled, 'You've got to help me! These three bears are after me.' Without another word, the hunter emptied his shotgun into the trio." (Shotgun going off)

"Goldilocks, the hunter and Little Red Riding Hood went into business together and opened up an S&H Green Stamp Redemption Store and lived happily ever after."

Dad would tuck us all in and, on his way out, he would turn around, smile and quietly close the door. A few seconds would pass and we would giggle ourselves to sleep as we could hear Mom, in the background, telling Dad how my brother glued my sister to a tree.